Follow Your Own Timeline…

 

Is there a stigma attached to being single once you are approaching 30?  Does it feel like when you say that you are single and if you are at least 30 years old (especially as a woman), people tend to act as if something is not right with you? Are there constant questions regarding when you are going to settle down and have kids.

“Your expectations are too high” is a phrase that is often said as it relates to single adults and who they choose to date. Should those that are not married lower their expectations and settle just for the sake of being able to say that they are no longer single? Of course you have to be willing to compromise with the person you are dating, but if you have a list of qualities/traits that are non-negotiable don’t feel like you have to lower those standards.

Your family and friends may want you to try speed dating, online dating, or they may even want to set you up on a blind date in hopes of helping you “find the one.” There isn’t anything wrong with your loved ones  wanting to help, but they should ask if you interested before they just impose and start offering suggestions.

There are plenty of single adults who would love to be married by now and have kids, and then there are single adults who are not interested in being married or a parent at the moment. What most people fail to realize is the people who are single, of course, know they are single, so they are not trying to make that the focal point of their lives. Single adults cannot put their lives on hold because they still have to live out their dreams such as purchasing homes, traveling, advancing their careers, investing, and becoming financially stable.

An accomplishment as a single person, especially if you are approaching 30 can be overlooked when so many of your peers are getting engaged, getting married, having kids, etc. The new job you were offered or the house that you just bought, may seem small in comparison. It is still a great achievement and the only person that it should matter to is you.

As Valentine’s Day is approaching I urge you to practice self-care and self-love. Treat yourself to a movie, dinner, or a floral/ fruit arrangement. If you want to go to a concert or a movie, don’t be afraid to go alone. If you want to be around people, find ways to volunteer and give back to those in need. A night out with your friends is always an option and it is a good way to show you friends how much you value and appreciate them.

We are all on our own timeline. The purpose and the plan for our lives is specific to each and every one of us. I encourage you to keep living your best life, to keep going after your dreams, to travel, and to never settle for less than you deserve.

Friends: How Many of us Have them?

 

Have you ever done an inventory of your friends? Are you the type of person that once someone is your friend he or she is your friend for life? Do you feel like you have ever outgrown any of your friends? Maybe you were just going in opposite directions? Do you feel like some friends are only meant to be in your life for just a season? Can you relate to any of the questions I’ve just asked? Have you found yourself in any of these situations?

If you find yourself in that particular space you have to be able to advocate for yourself. You have to decide if it is a relationship that you want continue to foster. If you don’t speak up for yourself, you may find yourself turning bitter and then it may be too late to salvage the relationship.

It may be that one friend is married with children and the other friend is single so the dynamic of the relationship has shifted. In that situation it may not be that one friend was trying to neglect the other, it may just be that the priorities had to change. It could be that one friend is growing more spiritually whereas the other friend is not, so they don’t know how to create new boundaries to benefit them both. Maybe one friend moved away and now there is a “strain” on the relationship and a lack of communication by both parties. What happens when one friend may feel like they always “show support” but it is rarely reciprocated back. There are so many scenarios that can come into play as it relates to friendships but ultimately it is up to those involved to decide if the relationship is worth salvaging.

It is necessary to do an inventory of your friends. You may have to write down a list of your friends. Write down those friends who check on you, those friends who empower and encourage you, those friends who challenge you, and those friends who will check you when you are in the wrong.

You need friends who are not afraid to tell you what you need to hear. You need friends who are okay with not agreeing with you all the time. You need friends who will be there during times of truimph and victory, but you also need friends who will by your side during times of tragedy and loss.

You need friends who will support your business endeavors and achievements. You need friends who will celebrate your life moments as if it were their own. Now, after you do an inventory of your friends, make sure you turn the mirror around on yourself. It is important to be the type of friend to others that we expect them to be to us. Recognize what each friend can give you because you will not receive every quality/trait from every friend. Then take the time to see what you are able to give because depending on your level of relationship, you may need to provide different qualities to each of your friends.

At the end of the day life is short, so it is important to cherish your friendships. You never want to get to the point where you feel like you have to change who are; you may just have to change your circle.

 

 

How Did I Get Here

Have you ever had a moment where you had to ask yourself “how did I get here?” Most of the time we may find ourselves asking that question when we are questioning our behavior. It could be hanging out in places that we know we have outgrown, entertaining meaningless relationships for the sake of saying we are with someone, picking up bad habits like excessive or impulsive shopping, or over indulging in food.

Have you ever asked yourself that question as it relates to something positive in your life? You may notice you have a more positive and warm spirit, you are more outgoing than before, and that you say less negative statements and more affirming ones, etc.

I was recently asked “how do I stay so spiritually grounded?” It caused me to reflect on how and when I became this way. I have always been somewhat of a positive person but I have definitely noticed a change in my outlook on life.

I will start by saying staying spiritually grounded is a continual process. You have to be intentional about wanting to have that type of mindset. You have to make up in your mind that you will not be moved, regardless of what life may throw at you. In John 10:10 (NLT) it states “the thief’s purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy; my purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” That passage could be used as a metaphor to suggest that your joy can be stolen, your dreams can be destroyed, and your peace can be taken by the enemy if you allow it.

Of course, this is easier said than done and I am speaking from experience. The year 2011 and 2012 were probably two of the worst years of my life to date. Two of my cousins passed away just 3 weeks apart, one in March and the other in April of 2011. One of my cousins had complications with sickle cell anemia and my other cousin passed away from her 2^nd battle with cancer at the young age of 18.

In 2012 I received a denial letter on my first attempt to get into graduate school. Shortly after, I would soon learn some devastating news that would forever change the dynamic of my family. On April 15^th, 2012, exactly one year to the date that my cousin with cancer passed, my uncle (the closest father figure I had) was arrested and, shortly after, was sentenced to a term that is currently still being served. While all of these things were transpiring, I was living in a city away from all of my family and most of my friends since this timeframe was shortly after I had graduated college.

I tried to go out from time to time, I tried drinking, and I tried having a relationship that I knew in the beginning would not amount to anything, but all of those things only provided temporary satisfaction. I was going to church but I was not connected at the time. One day I felt like I might have a nervous breakdown because it was so much happening at once and I felt alone. That is when I decided to really start committing myself to going to church like I should.  Of course there was still a process and the change did not occur overnight. However, I started to notice a change in how I felt and that is how I knew that no one or nothing could pull me out of how I was feeling at that time but GOD.

I still have times where I may have a struggle or I may have a bad day, but I am intentional on not allowing myself to stay in that place. I reflect on where I have been and where GOD pulled me from. I just refused to allow myself to take steps backwards. That allows me to put my FAITH into action because if I know something has been done before then I know it can be done again.

I am a strong believer in the power of our words, because the words we speak can dictate our mood and our behaviors. If you want to have more positivity in your life, I suggest you speak positivity into the atmosphere. You will be surprised how different you feel based on how you speak. Also, prayer and worship music helps to keep me spiritually grounded as well. I like to have conversations with God and I am learning to seek wisdom and discernment from God first about a decision before asking for the opinions of other people.  When you feel yourself having a bad day, week or being consumed with a lot of negativity I challenge you to cut off the TV, social media, and secular music. If our words have power that also goes for what we feed our souls. You have to know when it is time to tune out the outside noise. Reading scriptures are important with helping one to stay spiritually grounded. The scriptures help to provide principles to live by but it is up to us if we want to follow them.

I understand that I am not perfect and that I am going to make mistakes. I understand that God grants me his grace and mercy but I have learned to not use that as an excuse to do whatever I feel like doing. I want to show love toward others, and I want to grant the same kind of mercy, compassion, kindness, and patience that God has granted me.

I want you to think about ways that can help you stay spiritually grounded. It may be some of the things that I mentioned, or it could be something else. We are all on a different path in this journey called life, but I challenge you to find ways to help you become the best version of yourself.

A Father’s Absence

I often hear a girl’s first glimpse on how to be treated by a man should come from her father. Well, one might say if you did not grow up with your father, it is hard to know how to be treated. Since I did not meet my father until I was a teenager I dealt with identity issues. I did not realize right away that I had an issue, but shortly after moving away for college I found myself not being sure of who I was. I also found that I had an issue with rejection and feeling like I was not good enough.

I met my father for the first time two months shy of my 16th birthday and I was already dealing with questions of why he was not around for my childhood, especially after I found out that he had other children; both younger and older. Although I found myself struggling to cope with that reality, I still tried to have an open mind about the possibility of having a relationship with my father.

What happens when you start to allow yourself to become a little vulnerable and then all of a sudden the parent who was not around for the majority of your childhood decides to disappear for the second time after a year of meeting you? This time I had just started my senior year of high school and I was trying to figure out my plans for college. I was looking forward to my prom, graduation, and all of the other special senior moments, but I was not able to fully embrace the season that I was in because in the back of my mind I was thinking about my father who randomly stopped all communication. I managed to get through my senior year and head off to college.

What happens when you feel yourself starting to grow as a young woman in a new environment such as a college campus, but deep down you are unsure of who you are? What happens when your father does not affirm you as a little girl or help shape your identity? This is when I started to notice that I had feelings of rejection. I would try to hold on to relationships even if I knew they were not good for me, because I had a fear of the other person leaving my life. I was waiting on other people to affirm something in me that should have already been affirmed by my father. I began to feel like I was not good enough, which then allowed me to accept or settle for less than what I knew I deserved.

What happens when you have never heard the words “I love you”, “you’re beautiful”, or “I am proud of you” from your father? Well, I started to look for validation from the wrong people.  I started to realize later on how some of my relationship choices were due to the fact that I was looking for love or trying to fill a void. Until I was an adult in my mid-twenties, I did not realize the magnitude of how not hearing those words affected me.

I had to be honest with myself and admit that I was dealing with insecurity issues. Even now, there are times when I find myself doubting my abilities or decisions. It is not always easy but I am learning to affirm myself, to walk in boldness, and to speak life over my situations. We all have a choice where we can either choose “faith” or choose “fear” and I have decided that I will walk by Faith.

I want to remind you that regardless of your circumstances, you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Whether you grew up within a single parent household, a household where your parents were divorced, a household where one of your parents may have passed away, or a household where abuse may have been present, I want to let you know that those experiences do not define who you are. It is also okay to acknowledge if those situations caused you any type of emotional trauma or pain. You should acknowledge the pain, release the hurt, and allow yourself to heal. Then give yourself permission to become the best version of you.

How God Healed a Daughter’s Heart

I’m asked quite often when or how soon I plan to get married and have children. I assume it’s because I am months away from turning 30. Can you relate? I know some people may not mean anything by it, but sometimes it seems as if they’re assuming something is wrong with me because I’m not a mother or  wife yet. When I tell people that for the last five years I’ve been sustaining from sex (until marriage) I receive looks of shock or statements made such as “wow”, “that’s a long time”, or “how is that possible?”

Do I desire to get married and have kids? Absolutely! Even though that’s my heart’s desire I have come to the realization that it’s not my time. That doesn’t mean that it’s not on my mind. Over time I have learned what it means to maximize the season that I am currently in, which is singleness. I’ve gone through a process of becoming content. I’m growing closer to God in my twenties and allowing Him to fill me with His love. I’ve compared my love timeline to others, but I had to learn that everyone is unique and that no two stories are the same.

Becoming content has not always been easy and if I am being honest, the closer I get to turning 30 there are moments that I feel myself wanting to rush the process. I have learned to give my emotions back to God. So even if I have an emotional moment, I will not allow myself to stay in that place.

I’ve dealt with  loneliness, isolation, rejection and the idea that I wasn’t good enough. It was important that I took the time to determine where my feelings and emotions originated. I was able to connect it to my childhood without my father. This was a result of me not meeting my father until two months shy of my 16th birthday. Only having three face-to-face interactions with my father and last seeing him at  17 years old was the source of all those feelings.

A girl’s first glimpse of how to be treated by a man should come from her father. I didn’t have that so I sought other things to fill the void. During my mid-twenties I had a moment where I realized that I had some unresolved bitterness, anger, and resentment toward my father.  I tried shopping for temporary satisfaction. I even had relationships with people that I knew would not amount to anything.

In May of 2012, I decided enough was enough. I decided that I would no longer pursue meaningless relationships and I would get to know Jemeia. I made a decision to start maximizing my single season because I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I focused my energy on attending church, serving, traveling, furthering my education, increasing my credit score, and progressing in my career. I celebrated what I had instead of what i didn’t. I traveled to multiple countries, graduated with my Master’s degree, purchased my first home, continued my career in healthcare, and grew my faith and relationship with God.

At this point in my life, I would often hear “you are doing the things I wish I could have at your age”, “you are busy”, “and do you ever sit down?” Although I understood that those statements were coming from a good place, I started to feel like if I was too busy doing all of these things I could end up remaining single. My friends from childhood, college, work, and church all seemed to be in a phases of being in a relationships, getting married, having kids, etc. I felt myself starting to make comparisons and wondering why it was happening for them and not me. I started to question if I needed to do less.

Quite honestly, I began to magnify being single to the point where it became “an idol” instead of focusing on who/what could give me all I want and all I need. I started asking myself what’s next or convincing myself that I’m not doing enough.

Over the last year and a half, I’ve seen my growth and maturity as a woman of God. I am not perfect by any means, but I am learning to seek God first. Trusting His timing over my life and being okay with not knowing  every single detail are things that I’ve improved on. Being content is a continual process and it is not something that will just happen overnight.

So as I am months away from turning 30, I am excited about what’s to come. If you related to my story in any way I would like you to join me in a challenge.

Let’s command ourselves to be purpose driven and to own that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Let’s command ourselves to walk in boldness and without fear. Let’s command ourselves to seek wisdom and discernment as we enter into this next season of our lives. Let’s command ourselves to live without placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves. Let’s command ourselves to letting God lead our lives and to take each day as they come.